12 years ago I was at a point in my life where my self esteem (or lack thereof) told me that I was unworthy of love. At that moment, when I found someone who would love me, I felt that being as undeserving as I was, I should accept that, love that person and be grateful for the opportunity. There was no definition of what I wanted in that person, only the fact that they wanted me.
Now, as I’ve found my own purpose, path and worth in life, I find myself better understanding that a solid relationship is one where both people understand what they want and work to find a match for them that is all of the things that will compliment their life.
So this year, as I’ve dated, I’ve worked on my definition of what I want and am learning much about myself and my desires.
I’m going to write these things down now. Because I know that as time goes by, this list will evolve and change, just as I do.
Some of these things may seem petty or insignificant, but they are things that I’ve found attract me. Each of us being individual means that each of us are also attracted to different individuals. This is my way of acknowledgeling those things that I’ve found are important to me, or generally are similar in men I’ve enjoyed company with.
We’ll separate this list into what I find attracts me and what I’ve decided I must have:
Things that seem to attract me (but aren’t deal breakers):
1. I prefer men who are older than me. The general age tends to hover around 40. I suppose where I am at right now is similar to most men there. I have a career that I enjoy. I already have a family, with not real desire to have many more children (maybe one to be adopted, etc if my future partner really wanted one, but it’s not something I have to have). They tend to be financially secure and have a very distinct view of themselves, what they want and where they are going.
2. I prefer men who of foreign decent, but are usually first generation Americans. Meaning, their parents are from a foreign country, they were born outside of America and moved to America sometime during early childhood. So far, this has seemed to be Italian, Egyptian, Israeli, and most recently Iranian. They seem to have a conservative viewpoint on gender roles and yet more openminded view of the world and how to live in it. This compliments me very well. I like to be cared for by someone who’s not afraid to be manly, but need someone who can be non-judgemental when it comes to life in general.
3. I prefer men who know more than me about some things. It could be fly fishing, the stock market, the history of Zimbabwe. But have something to offer me so that I don’t railroad you about everything we talk about. Hey, I’ll admit it, I’m a know it all about things. I like to talk. I like to learn. I like to tell you what I know about whatever topic is at hand. But the real turnon is not someone who just nods his head, but someone who can talk with me, challenge me, offer me knowledge about things I don’t know. Maybe that means you have more education than I do, maybe you read more than me, whatever. Just know more about something. And be willing to share that knowledge. (However, disclaimer: that does not mean I appreciate being challenged just for the sake of challenging me. Have a REASON for it please )
4. I prefer men who enjoy learning/doing/experiencing new things. Food is a big one. Be willing to try something you’ve never had before. This says a lot about your outlook on life. Knowing that what has happened in your short lifetime is only a taste of what is in this world means you will experience so much more in your life than you would otherwise. That is who I am, I’d like someone to share that with. Be willing to try a new activity. Maybe you’ve never gone scuba. Be willing to try. You don’t have to like everything, and if you don’t like something that I do – that’s ok… just be alright with me doing it without you then. But to be truthful, it would be nice to find someone who will do a lot of things with me. What fun is life if you can’t share it with the one you like the most?
5. I prefer men who are stronger than me. Yes, I mean physically. I like being a woman. I like feeling feminine. I am attracted to men who are… men. A stronger man makes me feel more weak. And although I’m not weak, I like to feel weak – to feel that I am with someone I can trust enough to be weak around.
6. I prefer men who are taller than me. You don’t have to be 6’5”, but at least tall enough that when I put on a three inch heel, we are at least the same height, or you are taller than me. It goes along with you being stronger than me. I like feeling small, weak, feminine.
7. I prefer tidy men. If your house looks like a frat dorm room, chances are I will be turned off by it. I keep my house neat (not spotless – I have a life and children), but I pick up after myself and keep my house a welcome place to be. Your home is your safe place, your retreat. What it looks like reflects a lot about what shape your spirit is in.
8. I prefer men who understand that all things are ok within moderation. I enjoy dessert, but only a little. I drink, but not to excess. I splurge occasionally but not every day. Know how to enjoy life sometimes and not be obsessed with the diet of bills 365 days a year. And be ok with me enjoying that moderation occasionally too.
9. I prefer men who travel. And who travel often. Do you know how many places I’ve been? How many more are left to visit? I want someone to share that with. Even if he can afford to travel more than me, it would be nice to know that when I can afford to go, I have someone willing to go with me.
10. I prefer men who are affectionate both in word and touch. I like to be complimented; I like to know what you like about me. I appreciate a touch whenever you are around because it makes me feel closer to you and more grounded in general. I don’t need highschool PDA. I am a very classy girl in public. But the touch of a hand, an arm around my side, a small kiss when no one is looking. These things make me feel important to you.
11. I prefer men who are active, but can enjoy a good movie. Go with me to the movies and laugh until our sides hurt, or cuddle up on the couch and veg for a little while. As much as I am always on the go, curling up inside HIS arms is a safe place for me.
12. I prefer men with a sense of personal style, who take interest in how they look. Clothes that are clean and in order, that represent how they like to see themselves. I try to present myself well and that’s most appreciated by men who do the same. Do you have to look like GQ or an Abercrombie model? No. Just be you and take pride in that.
13. With that comes a willingness to go places occasionally that justify getting a little dressed up. I like a pretty silk dancing dress. I like to be shown off. A nice dinner, a show, a surprise trip to vegas. Not every day or every week, but just enough that I remember that you like being with me and being seen with me. That you remember that I am a beautiful, breath taking creature who likes to spread her wings occasionally.
Must Haves (Deal Breakers):
1. I prefer men who are healthy. They need to exercise and enjoy it on some sort of regular basis. If you are the one, I want to lead an active, full, long life with you. Chances are that if you are NOT taking care of yourself, I will have less time with you. I don’t like that concept. Hand in hand is smoking. Beyond the fact that I don’t like the smell, it will shorten your life and the quality of it and that is something I don’t want. I will not watch someone I love kill themselves. I have no problem with other people who smoke, but I don’t want to be with someone smokes. I’ve found I don’t like overweight men. You don’t have to be an Olympian, but care if you are carrying around 30lbs of excess tires. Eat foods that make you invigorating, give you energy. Don’t be afraid of seeing a doctor when you need to.
2. He must not live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t care what you do for a living, but do something and have some foresight to look beyond what you need today or this week. If you have a family, be able to take care of them. Pay your own bills. Have a plan for retirement. You can be a sanitation engineer if that’s what you really want, but if that’s the case, live within your means. I try to, I’d like a partner who can too. I won’t tell you what you do with your money. Just don’t “do” it unless you can afford to. Be frivolous if you want to (lord knows I am at times), but not at the expense of your security, well being, that of your family, or of me.
3. I want someone who knows what they believe and why. Be a Bhuddist, atheist, catholic, Hindu, Agnostic – I don’t care. But know why you feel/ believe that way, be able/willing to discuss it and do not be insulted if I feel/believe differently. I will always respect the beliefs of the one I am with and would appreciate a return of that favor. I don’t judge you, don’t judge me. But know I am fascinated by what people believe and why they believe it, so be prepared for me to ask questions. I don’t ask because I want to convert you – I ask because I want to know you. This applies well beyond just religious beliefs. This could be politics, social situations, anything.
4. Be willing to share your life with me, but not demanding of it. I like to know that I am welcome with your family and friends. You don’t have to always include me, but include me enough that I know you aren’t hiding me or them.
5. Be ok with being without me occasionally. I’m not generally a people person so I sometimes I just need to be by myself. Be ok with having friends you do stuff with – that shows me that you are an individual who’s life doesn’t rise and fall with me. Also be ok with me having time with my family and friends. I will include you, but sometimes, I need to know that you appreciate me for who I am and encourage me likewise to be my own person.
6. He must know that I come as a package deal. I have three sons who are my world. I am a woman first, so I enjoy my time that is not mommy time. But know that I am still a mother and that part of me is just as important. You won’t know my children for quite sometime, in fact, chances are that if you aren’t committed to me in some long term way, you won’t, but you need to know that if that is your intention (which is what I’m looking for), they will eventually join the relationship. I want a man that can respect my need to provide for my children financially, emotionally, and physically. He must be ok with sharing me with three children and be understanding of the things I have to do to meet that responsibility. My children don’t need a father, they already have one, but the man who will be in my life long term, must find it important to protect them as he would me.
7. He must be able to communicate what he wants effectively. I don’t play games. If I want something, I will tell you. If I say I don’t have a preference about something, I really don’t have a preference. I will never make you chase me around to figure out what I’m thinking; I want the same in return. If you want sushi for dinner, say “I want sushi – is that ok?” If you can’t stand pasta, say, “I really can’t stand pasta”. Don’t try to anticipate what I’m going to say – just say what you are thinking and I’ll do the same…. We’ll either agree, or find somewhere in the middle to hang out.
8. I prefer a man who wants a princess outside of the bedroom and a dirty girl in the bedroom. I’m a good girl – classy business woman 23 hours a day. I can’t be that every moment of every day and I am as adventurous in the bedroom as I am in every other aspect of my life. I need someone who is non judgemental and willing to experience there with me. A healthy sexual appetite will be needed in my future mate.
9. He must be non-judgemental. I want a man who has beliefs, but understands that his beliefs cannot be forced on anyone else. Each person on this earth is individual – a person wh’s experiences and life circumstance has framed the way they look at the world. That make decisions based on that and sometimes we just won’t understand. At minimum, we need to respect that. You can say to someone, “I believe you are wrong”, but never do it hatefully.
10. He must be able to disagree and discuss without fighting, yelling or namecalling. Those are not efficient ways to communicate and will escalate a disagreement, not solve it. With that, be willing to walk away if you or I feel we are getting beyond the point of communicating effectively. I’d rather have to wait a few hours to finish a conversation than endure yelling or name calling.
11. He must be ok with me continuing to learn. You will never find me without a book, without a questions, without a thought. I will be going back to school. It may be focused o an area that is not related to my profession, but instead one that I just enjoy. Learning is an experience, a way to improve life. I will always be learning and I want someone who will always challenge and encourage me to continue learning. You don’t have to do it, but be ok with me doing it (although it would be nice to find someone who is continually improving themselves and learning about the world around them too.
12. I like men who take the lead. Surprise me with dinner – order for me – make the way through the crowd. Not because I can’t decide or are unable, but I like to feel taken care of, protected, submissive. I adore the idea that someone treasures me, and knows what I like. There is a balance between strong and tender that for me, is perfection.
13. He must push my boundaries. In every way. Challenge me, see how far you can go with me. I don’t want to ever be static, ordinary, unchanging. I want to know there are parts to me I didn’t now before. I want to be with someone who although he loves me for who I am, will always want me to be everything I can be, who will challenge me to be more. My potential is overwhelming; I feel loved by someone who can see that and remind me of it.
14. I prefer men who give gifts. No. No. I’m not talking diamonds and cars here (although who am I to turn down jewelry). But I do enjoy those little things out of the blue that tell me you were thinking of me. Flowers any day. A cookbook. A $5 bracelet you saw when you were out yesterday. A card. A phone call. A message. A picture of you. Hell, even a piece of pirated software you saw that you thought I’d enjoy. Anything for the bath. A lotion that you thought would smell good on me. Even just the acts that you give as a gift. Pour my bath. Brush my hair. Fix me dinner. All of those things tell me that I am important. The idea that I’m not expecting them means that I am valuable to you and on your mind often, not just when the calendar says I should be. They don’t have to be expensive things, just anything that says you were thinking of me.
15. He must let me cook for him. You don’t have to like anything that ever comes out of my kitchen. But you must be willing to allow me to do that for you. I love cooking, I adore sharing, and it is how I show my love. It is how I express myself, so you need to be ok with allowing me to do it.
This list will grow and change; evolving with time as I evolve. At the end of the day though, I think that to be successful in finding a mate, we have to fully understand what we need and why. We’ll see how this list changes over the next several years!
Now, as I’ve found my own purpose, path and worth in life, I find myself better understanding that a solid relationship is one where both people understand what they want and work to find a match for them that is all of the things that will compliment their life.
So this year, as I’ve dated, I’ve worked on my definition of what I want and am learning much about myself and my desires.
I’m going to write these things down now. Because I know that as time goes by, this list will evolve and change, just as I do.
Some of these things may seem petty or insignificant, but they are things that I’ve found attract me. Each of us being individual means that each of us are also attracted to different individuals. This is my way of acknowledgeling those things that I’ve found are important to me, or generally are similar in men I’ve enjoyed company with.
We’ll separate this list into what I find attracts me and what I’ve decided I must have:
Things that seem to attract me (but aren’t deal breakers):
1. I prefer men who are older than me. The general age tends to hover around 40. I suppose where I am at right now is similar to most men there. I have a career that I enjoy. I already have a family, with not real desire to have many more children (maybe one to be adopted, etc if my future partner really wanted one, but it’s not something I have to have). They tend to be financially secure and have a very distinct view of themselves, what they want and where they are going.
2. I prefer men who of foreign decent, but are usually first generation Americans. Meaning, their parents are from a foreign country, they were born outside of America and moved to America sometime during early childhood. So far, this has seemed to be Italian, Egyptian, Israeli, and most recently Iranian. They seem to have a conservative viewpoint on gender roles and yet more openminded view of the world and how to live in it. This compliments me very well. I like to be cared for by someone who’s not afraid to be manly, but need someone who can be non-judgemental when it comes to life in general.
3. I prefer men who know more than me about some things. It could be fly fishing, the stock market, the history of Zimbabwe. But have something to offer me so that I don’t railroad you about everything we talk about. Hey, I’ll admit it, I’m a know it all about things. I like to talk. I like to learn. I like to tell you what I know about whatever topic is at hand. But the real turnon is not someone who just nods his head, but someone who can talk with me, challenge me, offer me knowledge about things I don’t know. Maybe that means you have more education than I do, maybe you read more than me, whatever. Just know more about something. And be willing to share that knowledge. (However, disclaimer: that does not mean I appreciate being challenged just for the sake of challenging me. Have a REASON for it please )
4. I prefer men who enjoy learning/doing/experiencing new things. Food is a big one. Be willing to try something you’ve never had before. This says a lot about your outlook on life. Knowing that what has happened in your short lifetime is only a taste of what is in this world means you will experience so much more in your life than you would otherwise. That is who I am, I’d like someone to share that with. Be willing to try a new activity. Maybe you’ve never gone scuba. Be willing to try. You don’t have to like everything, and if you don’t like something that I do – that’s ok… just be alright with me doing it without you then. But to be truthful, it would be nice to find someone who will do a lot of things with me. What fun is life if you can’t share it with the one you like the most?
5. I prefer men who are stronger than me. Yes, I mean physically. I like being a woman. I like feeling feminine. I am attracted to men who are… men. A stronger man makes me feel more weak. And although I’m not weak, I like to feel weak – to feel that I am with someone I can trust enough to be weak around.
6. I prefer men who are taller than me. You don’t have to be 6’5”, but at least tall enough that when I put on a three inch heel, we are at least the same height, or you are taller than me. It goes along with you being stronger than me. I like feeling small, weak, feminine.
7. I prefer tidy men. If your house looks like a frat dorm room, chances are I will be turned off by it. I keep my house neat (not spotless – I have a life and children), but I pick up after myself and keep my house a welcome place to be. Your home is your safe place, your retreat. What it looks like reflects a lot about what shape your spirit is in.
8. I prefer men who understand that all things are ok within moderation. I enjoy dessert, but only a little. I drink, but not to excess. I splurge occasionally but not every day. Know how to enjoy life sometimes and not be obsessed with the diet of bills 365 days a year. And be ok with me enjoying that moderation occasionally too.
9. I prefer men who travel. And who travel often. Do you know how many places I’ve been? How many more are left to visit? I want someone to share that with. Even if he can afford to travel more than me, it would be nice to know that when I can afford to go, I have someone willing to go with me.
10. I prefer men who are affectionate both in word and touch. I like to be complimented; I like to know what you like about me. I appreciate a touch whenever you are around because it makes me feel closer to you and more grounded in general. I don’t need highschool PDA. I am a very classy girl in public. But the touch of a hand, an arm around my side, a small kiss when no one is looking. These things make me feel important to you.
11. I prefer men who are active, but can enjoy a good movie. Go with me to the movies and laugh until our sides hurt, or cuddle up on the couch and veg for a little while. As much as I am always on the go, curling up inside HIS arms is a safe place for me.
12. I prefer men with a sense of personal style, who take interest in how they look. Clothes that are clean and in order, that represent how they like to see themselves. I try to present myself well and that’s most appreciated by men who do the same. Do you have to look like GQ or an Abercrombie model? No. Just be you and take pride in that.
13. With that comes a willingness to go places occasionally that justify getting a little dressed up. I like a pretty silk dancing dress. I like to be shown off. A nice dinner, a show, a surprise trip to vegas. Not every day or every week, but just enough that I remember that you like being with me and being seen with me. That you remember that I am a beautiful, breath taking creature who likes to spread her wings occasionally.
Must Haves (Deal Breakers):
1. I prefer men who are healthy. They need to exercise and enjoy it on some sort of regular basis. If you are the one, I want to lead an active, full, long life with you. Chances are that if you are NOT taking care of yourself, I will have less time with you. I don’t like that concept. Hand in hand is smoking. Beyond the fact that I don’t like the smell, it will shorten your life and the quality of it and that is something I don’t want. I will not watch someone I love kill themselves. I have no problem with other people who smoke, but I don’t want to be with someone smokes. I’ve found I don’t like overweight men. You don’t have to be an Olympian, but care if you are carrying around 30lbs of excess tires. Eat foods that make you invigorating, give you energy. Don’t be afraid of seeing a doctor when you need to.
2. He must not live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t care what you do for a living, but do something and have some foresight to look beyond what you need today or this week. If you have a family, be able to take care of them. Pay your own bills. Have a plan for retirement. You can be a sanitation engineer if that’s what you really want, but if that’s the case, live within your means. I try to, I’d like a partner who can too. I won’t tell you what you do with your money. Just don’t “do” it unless you can afford to. Be frivolous if you want to (lord knows I am at times), but not at the expense of your security, well being, that of your family, or of me.
3. I want someone who knows what they believe and why. Be a Bhuddist, atheist, catholic, Hindu, Agnostic – I don’t care. But know why you feel/ believe that way, be able/willing to discuss it and do not be insulted if I feel/believe differently. I will always respect the beliefs of the one I am with and would appreciate a return of that favor. I don’t judge you, don’t judge me. But know I am fascinated by what people believe and why they believe it, so be prepared for me to ask questions. I don’t ask because I want to convert you – I ask because I want to know you. This applies well beyond just religious beliefs. This could be politics, social situations, anything.
4. Be willing to share your life with me, but not demanding of it. I like to know that I am welcome with your family and friends. You don’t have to always include me, but include me enough that I know you aren’t hiding me or them.
5. Be ok with being without me occasionally. I’m not generally a people person so I sometimes I just need to be by myself. Be ok with having friends you do stuff with – that shows me that you are an individual who’s life doesn’t rise and fall with me. Also be ok with me having time with my family and friends. I will include you, but sometimes, I need to know that you appreciate me for who I am and encourage me likewise to be my own person.
6. He must know that I come as a package deal. I have three sons who are my world. I am a woman first, so I enjoy my time that is not mommy time. But know that I am still a mother and that part of me is just as important. You won’t know my children for quite sometime, in fact, chances are that if you aren’t committed to me in some long term way, you won’t, but you need to know that if that is your intention (which is what I’m looking for), they will eventually join the relationship. I want a man that can respect my need to provide for my children financially, emotionally, and physically. He must be ok with sharing me with three children and be understanding of the things I have to do to meet that responsibility. My children don’t need a father, they already have one, but the man who will be in my life long term, must find it important to protect them as he would me.
7. He must be able to communicate what he wants effectively. I don’t play games. If I want something, I will tell you. If I say I don’t have a preference about something, I really don’t have a preference. I will never make you chase me around to figure out what I’m thinking; I want the same in return. If you want sushi for dinner, say “I want sushi – is that ok?” If you can’t stand pasta, say, “I really can’t stand pasta”. Don’t try to anticipate what I’m going to say – just say what you are thinking and I’ll do the same…. We’ll either agree, or find somewhere in the middle to hang out.
8. I prefer a man who wants a princess outside of the bedroom and a dirty girl in the bedroom. I’m a good girl – classy business woman 23 hours a day. I can’t be that every moment of every day and I am as adventurous in the bedroom as I am in every other aspect of my life. I need someone who is non judgemental and willing to experience there with me. A healthy sexual appetite will be needed in my future mate.
9. He must be non-judgemental. I want a man who has beliefs, but understands that his beliefs cannot be forced on anyone else. Each person on this earth is individual – a person wh’s experiences and life circumstance has framed the way they look at the world. That make decisions based on that and sometimes we just won’t understand. At minimum, we need to respect that. You can say to someone, “I believe you are wrong”, but never do it hatefully.
10. He must be able to disagree and discuss without fighting, yelling or namecalling. Those are not efficient ways to communicate and will escalate a disagreement, not solve it. With that, be willing to walk away if you or I feel we are getting beyond the point of communicating effectively. I’d rather have to wait a few hours to finish a conversation than endure yelling or name calling.
11. He must be ok with me continuing to learn. You will never find me without a book, without a questions, without a thought. I will be going back to school. It may be focused o an area that is not related to my profession, but instead one that I just enjoy. Learning is an experience, a way to improve life. I will always be learning and I want someone who will always challenge and encourage me to continue learning. You don’t have to do it, but be ok with me doing it (although it would be nice to find someone who is continually improving themselves and learning about the world around them too.
12. I like men who take the lead. Surprise me with dinner – order for me – make the way through the crowd. Not because I can’t decide or are unable, but I like to feel taken care of, protected, submissive. I adore the idea that someone treasures me, and knows what I like. There is a balance between strong and tender that for me, is perfection.
13. He must push my boundaries. In every way. Challenge me, see how far you can go with me. I don’t want to ever be static, ordinary, unchanging. I want to know there are parts to me I didn’t now before. I want to be with someone who although he loves me for who I am, will always want me to be everything I can be, who will challenge me to be more. My potential is overwhelming; I feel loved by someone who can see that and remind me of it.
14. I prefer men who give gifts. No. No. I’m not talking diamonds and cars here (although who am I to turn down jewelry). But I do enjoy those little things out of the blue that tell me you were thinking of me. Flowers any day. A cookbook. A $5 bracelet you saw when you were out yesterday. A card. A phone call. A message. A picture of you. Hell, even a piece of pirated software you saw that you thought I’d enjoy. Anything for the bath. A lotion that you thought would smell good on me. Even just the acts that you give as a gift. Pour my bath. Brush my hair. Fix me dinner. All of those things tell me that I am important. The idea that I’m not expecting them means that I am valuable to you and on your mind often, not just when the calendar says I should be. They don’t have to be expensive things, just anything that says you were thinking of me.
15. He must let me cook for him. You don’t have to like anything that ever comes out of my kitchen. But you must be willing to allow me to do that for you. I love cooking, I adore sharing, and it is how I show my love. It is how I express myself, so you need to be ok with allowing me to do it.
This list will grow and change; evolving with time as I evolve. At the end of the day though, I think that to be successful in finding a mate, we have to fully understand what we need and why. We’ll see how this list changes over the next several years!
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